I would make a brew for this one…
It’s going to be an interesting week having 2 eye appointments.
I’m feeling reflective and I don’t want you to think it’s just me being negative, because it’s just today’s thoughts. I haven’t felt like this for a while.
This knocks your confidence.
Makes you want to not be bobbling around on your own, getting tested and having to speak about this when I want to forget. Frightened of making a show of yourself nearly flagging down something you see as a bus, being ages in a shop looking at change that is blurry. I won’t go up and speak to you if I think I see you in town. Just incase it isn’t you. But I have to get used to it and be thankful I can do that still because there Are worse things you can have. There ARE people who are further down the line than me.
It makes you feel lonely, my lovely friends say I can talk to them. But how can I. It is hard to explain. People on the facebook groups understand but I don’t know them. Can’t start on a rant with a stranger.
I have to see everything I want to see, Today it feels like a battle rather than a condition that I have coped with and hidden from all but close family and friends.
Until that last appointment when I thought, I now need to get this down and admit it to everyone and myself because it’s now tipped slightly and not in my favour.
Realistically, it’s becoming harder to hide it like I have for the past 4 and a half years. I would of hidden it longer if I could. The way I try to see things is becoming obvious and I think it makes me paranoid that if someone sees me looking closely or staring, they will think I’m odd rather than… and… this is hard for me to type and face up to… And I’m the sort of person who can face up to most things… partially sighted now in my right eye.
He told me that. The last appointment… Like a kick in the guts. After this short a time? I’ve gone from 20/20 to this… Already? …
There isn’t any point in worrying about stuff you can’t change but this is like a train with no driver. I’m in a hurry to see everything. So I remember them.
People’s faces are fading. It’s the little details of eyes that have gone mostly. I want to just stare at people’s faces so I remember them. But that will be weird. I looked at someones eyes and stared and stared to try get that sweetspot that sometimes but rarely happens when it’s a clear as day for a split second. Then I remember what I used to see and I’m happy. Can’t really be doing this through can I.. ‘can I just stare at your eyeballs a minute, really closely… by your face’
I think a bucket list is maybe a step too far.
Don’t know.
There aren’t any rules but I have a bucket list in my head.
This just gets you down sometimes and there really isn’t anyone that can understand unless you have been through it yourself.
To not know what you are going to be left with and when that will be.
It’s frightening sometimes. When I’m stressed or tired people’s eyes on the TV look like two black empty soulless holes, I can’t make out the stars sometimes and anyone who knows me knows I love all that. I just appreciate the times I can make out the constellations and when the stars look like chandelier drops its quite pretty in its own way but I’m scared because its happening. I step outside not knowing of I will see them normally, like a surprise.
Keep on keeping positive. That’s what I MUST do.
I just don’t want to know deep down I suppose, but have to keep going to appointments just in case there is something they can do.
