Tomorrow Never Knows

Might want it get yourself a cup of tea and a sandwich for this one (sorry)… I go on abit…

Tomorrow is my rescheduled sight loss course.

Me being me, I’m trying to think of ways to get out of it ☺

There’s only 10 on the course, so they will know I would be missing.

I’m going though. I’ve told myself I’m going to help the others.

It’s in my home town in an old nursery which luckily I already know where it is.

From 10.30am till 3pm for 2 days. (Next one Monday 9th May)

Sometimes I do have a tendency to be a potato in a fruit bowl or at least feel like one. I hope this isn’t the case here. If anyone knows me reading this. They will know what I mean.

I’ve also told myself I need to say yes and go do stuff, that maybe I would have avoided in the past.

This feels like going to a scuba diving convention when I don’t scuba dive.

I’ve convinced myself so much that I’m not ready or ‘bad enough’ to be a part of the blind community.

Somewhere in the ether, floating around in the middle.

I’ve recently acknowledged that, however much I waffle on about stuff here. I have zero acceptance of me having this condition.

Really feel I’m taking up someones space that could use it better than me.

I did tell the fella I’ve been chatting with for a while, on the phone this. He’s of similar age to me and has a similar, but different condition.

I think he wanted me to know it wasn’t just the elderly, but a mixed group.

I’m not used to being so obvious in daily life with what’s wrong here.

Can’t really hide it tomorrow or I won’t get the best out of the course.

I can’t use the tips and tricks I’ve learnt, albeit mostly subconsciously, to hide it somewhat successfully from most people.

Tomorrow I don’t use these for the first time since being diagnosed.

You know the ones…

‘forgot my glasses’

Leave a shop empty handed because you just can’t see writing on labels.

Saying ‘Oh yeah’ to a photograph you can’t make out.

When you can’t see a menu. You just pick what you had before there or just have coffee.

Looking down when meeting people until you feel comfortable.

Hoping they can’t tell.

And yes, I realise that some of these things would disappear if I just asked for help.

I won’t though.

I don’t want to be treated differently, pitied, or lose anyone over it. Really wished now that I’d never told anyone about it, when I found out in the first place.

So as you can tell. This is going to be mighty strange for me tomorrow.

I’m quite nervous and I’m not a nervy person either.

Always trying to hold onto any semblance of myself, as long as I can.

I always said this blog would be honest for good and bad. Sometimes there’s melancholy, ranty, informative, positive or funny posts.

I set out initially to have a blog that showed the ‘warts and all’ type of writing I hadn’t seen previously. This is a true depiction of how life is with my own personal story of this condition.

Blogs like this shouldn’t be just about being grateful, happy, positive all the time.

It’s not a graphic with French script font writing on a sunset background. Not a generic phrase found on the interweb.

Life isn’t realistically like that. I don’t want people thinking they are not coping or feel inadequate because they feel angry or sad some days about it all, whilst some people as seemingly sailing through it because what they read, doesn’t tell the full truth.

It’s natural to feel fed up with it. Scared sometimes.

But, as my wonderful Dad used to say, ‘you have to be right about the job’ and I will be, always.

Good or bad.

Maybe it’s the way I am at the moment. I’m feeling a profound sense of loss over alot of things.

Please don’t get me wrong. Even when I feel like this I still feel grateful for being sort of OK. There are days, most days, I’m positive about this. I feel I can ‘beat’ this somehow or avoid it for a very long time.

Maybe unrealistically. I feel I will stay as I am now.

So, when I’ve been and investigated this I will tell you all about it. To help other people who are unsure what happens at these courses.