Month: Aug 2020

Hard question… Very difficult to pop all this down.

Truthful answer? I don’t have any choice in the matter. I’ve always accepted lifes curve balls if there is nothing I can do to change the matter in hand. You just have to find a way to accept, adjust and adapt in a positive sense. It\’s not what happens initially, it’s how you cope through it. Makes all the difference. Certainly doesn’t make me bulletproof though.

This is my second greatest fear. Health wise. But not THE greatest fear of mine.

Throughout my life I’ve had some weird eye phobia. Squeamish and a fear of going blind. I had no idea why. But my eyes knew.

If my friends have had a stye, sore eye, black eye and they want to show me. I don’t want to see. I feel breathless and want to cry. It’s become a running joke. They would even tag me on facebook so I noticed. Buggers they are ☺

My Dad had 2 laser eye surgeries and 2 cataract operations. Guess who went with him? Me.

My mother in law at the time had her cataract done. Guess who went with her?

My sister had an eye op years ago… Who picked her up? Yep me again.

So it was joked that the most unlikely person. Was the eye op carer. Appointment taker.

A case of “don’t look at your dad” as he came out to the car as he had a clear patch on after 2 operations. Would put fear into me.

I ran out of casualty once because someone I knew got metal in their eye, the drops turned their eye green. I nearly fainted. Felt so bad for the person too.

I’ve always throughout my life felt terribly sad when I’ve seen a blind person. Not pity. But a great sadness for them.

So in a way, I really don’t know how I would cope if this could be treated. I don’t think I could have an injection if they found one. Can’t bring myself to type it. But you know where. They would have to knock me out.

I’m a lot better than I was. As I’ve had to get used to all the doctors near my eyes and tests.

Although, having said that. Whilst my sister was driving to my appointment last year for my ERG. I actually read the letter properly and started panicking saying I wasn’t going to have it done, because they had to put metal wire sensors upto your eyeball. I did though, because I need the results.

Also. The way I cope is. I’ve always said that I will cope with anything unless it’s a terminal outcome. This I won’t die from… Unless I don’t cross the road with due vigilance ☺

This could have been far worse news that day. I may feel differently when I’m having real struggles with seeing. At the moment I count my blessings and thankful this was late onset and not something life threatening growing in there.

I’ve seen what that can do to someone. I looked after my mother through a terminal diagnosis when I was 22/23.

So because of that, (my greatest health fear) I cling onto the fact it could be worse. I don’t have any other strategy. Worse in diagnosis. This is the best vision I will have. Right here, today. It’s not going to magically improve anytime soon. So I’m grateful. I don’t hate my eyes. I’m proud of them for giving me so many years before starting to fail. I feel time is running out with my vision. I know much, much harder times are ahead and will deal with those when they arrive. Will be nothing like how I live right now. It seems I don’t want to spoil the here and now for myself. To take advantage and appreciating me being free, right now.

This is my own personal view. Everyones ability to cope is all relative to themselves. So I’ve answered it openly and honestly about my coping mechanism and the one reason why.

So, in a way its easier for me to cope thinking this way…I have to… for now. I can’t change it. It’s nothing I’ve caused myself. Nobodys fault. A fluke of nature.

Don’t get me wrong though…

I get upset and frustrated. Worried I won’t remember faces. That’s the biggest sadness. Forgetting faces. Be independent. Having to rely on others for help. Think no one will ever want someone with this looming over them. Think people will avoid me as they are either embarrassed or it’s just too much hassle to cope with, for themselves. Treat me differently. All the things everyone seems to have with this condition.

You feel extremely lonely and alone. Because it’s not easy to explain or show someone what’s happening. Like you are in your own bubble. Sometimes you do just want to give up, hide away. Or make the most of the time you can go out independently, just go on massive benders, take risks all the time. Just because at the moment you can. Borrowed seeing time and all that.

I feel tremendously sad. When I think about it. I’m just a normal person. No stronger than anyone else.

This isn’t meant to be a sad post. It\’s just the facts as I see it. (No pun)

The future is worrying but I’m taking the now away from myself. I will sit back one day when that ticking time bomb goes off , the unstoppable train and think, when I was relatively OK, I should have gone out there. Done things. I’m borrowing trouble by dwelling on what’s to come. So, if anyone says to me… Do you want to do so and so… I will.

So if you want to… I’m in ☺

Another question I’ve been sent is. Have you or do you know when to the best time to make a visual bucket list?

I think that’s a very individual thing to do as all our eyesight will have different factors, levels and speeds we are coping with.

I’m waiting for my test results if I’m honest. Then I can make a decision.

It’s a fine line I suppose to not miss out on some of the things that I want to do.

I do feel like I’ve missed the boat (or plane) as I so want to go back to Greece. Just to add insult to injury here. I got peds (Pigment epithelial detachment) in both eyes.

Cabin pressure in a plane isn’t their friend and could potentially detach them completely.

I’m waiting on my test results still and have to ask the doc if I can fly safely. After Covid has stopped messing with us all of course.

I will do a post later about these.

I have yet to make a list. I know somethings I want to do. Sort of a peace making situation with my eyes. To properly do this stuff, then at least when my eyesight is worse I can say I’ve done them.

I don’t think that I could do the list on my own. It needs planning. Also, it’s a way of making memories with the people you love. To concentrate on their faces so you don’t forget them.

So, I think you will know when the time is right. I don’t feel it is yet. Although I do think the camping with stars one may have to be next year. Even in a B&B to walk somewhere dark, So that maybe the start. I don’t know.